There are a lot of occasions where it is perfectly reasonable to drink like you’re a guest star on “Mad Men.” A reunion with a long-lost college buddy, for instance, or celebrating your release from the state penitentiary, or celebrating a reunion with an old college buddy who was just released from a state penitentiary. You could even drink to celebrate during your bachelor party, as long as you trust your buddies to keep you from going to Mexico and getting a picture of a prostitute tattooed on your chest.
What you should not do, under any circumstances, is to drink at your wedding. This doesn’t mean you can’t have a champagne toast, or a glass of wine with dinner; this means you should not DRINK at your wedding. Here are ten reasons why you should turn down that first glass of scotch or tequila after you tie the knot.
#1: The In-Laws
Your relationship with your in-laws is in the crucial formative stage at your wedding. They are putting you on display for all of their relatives to see, to prove that they raised their son or daughter well enough to find a perfect mate. If you finish the evening urinating in the punch bowl with Aunt Edna’s purse on your head, chances are that there will be some very uncomfortable Thanksgiving dinners in your future.
#2: The Videographer
You are paying this person to take videos of everything of interest that happens at your wedding. What could be more interesting than the bride or groom getting drunk and making a fool of themselves? Just think, you’ll get to relive that moment on every anniversary for the rest of your life when you take out that video. It’s a train wreck waiting to happen.
#3: The Photographer
The danger here is similar to that of the videographer, but in some ways it’s even worse. A photograph is always taken out of context. While a video might explain the perfectly reasonable chain of events that led up to you putting your hand on the rear end of the bride’s sister, the photograph will make it look decidedly not-so-innocent.
As if you don’t have enough to worry about with professional photographers and videographers in the room, in this day and age everyone has a cell phone camera. All it takes is one funny drunken moment to become a viral video that will make you famous for all the wrong reasons for about 19 minutes, when the next drunken buffoon ends up in the spotlight.
#5: You Can’t Hide
If you decide to drink a bit too much at the wedding of a friend or family member, you might be able to hide it. At your wedding, all eyes are on you. Every slurred word, every stumble, every death threat will be witnessed and remembered by those present.
Have you ever tried to remember the details of the last time you were drunk? Assuming you didn’t see it on YouTube or hear the details of the evening read to you in court, chances are your memory is a bit sketchy. Do you really want fuzzy memories of the most important day of your life?
Alcohol is a great truth serum, and your wedding night is not the time you want to be telling your spouse and their family and friends exactly what is wrong with them. There’s plenty of time for that at the christening of your first child (perhaps another event at which you should not drink)!
#8: The Dance
At some point in your wedding, you will be dancing with your spouse with everyone “ooohing” and “aaahing” as they look on. With too much alcohol in your system, you will either hurt somebody, think that you are Michael Jackson, or both. Don’t, just don’t.
You are most likely in a very expensive dress or a rented tuxedo at your wedding, depending on your gender, orientation, and customs. Clothing worn by people who are drinking heavily often ends up covered in alcohol, urine, vomit, or sheep’s wool. Need we say more?
#10: The Honeymoon
It is said that alcohol stimulates the desire, but dampens the ability. On your honeymoon, you’re going to want all the ability you can muster, especially if you have been a good boy or girl and abstained from intimate relations up to this point. There is also the added danger if you drink too much that you might have a perfectly wonderful, exciting, and satisfying night – with the wrong person!
Some of these dangers of drinking at your wedding may seem a little ridiculous, but others are all too real. One of the dangerous things about alcohol is that, once you take that first drink, you never really know where the path is going to lead. You first drink may be your last of the night, or your last drink of the night might be tossed back right before you jump the fence into the lion cage at the zoo. On a night as important as your wedding night, you would probably be wise to minimize that risk by never taking that first drink.