Many beer drinkers feel that a celebration of the wonders of beer with a Beer Olympics is long overdue. Other vices have their day – such as the World Poker Championship – why not beer?
Some would argue that there already is a Beer Olympics, it’s called college. Your ability to drink and learn is graded with a letter grade or grade-point average. Some get gold-medal 4.0s while others don’t even make it to the semifinals.
While there are many smaller events for beer – St. Patrick’s Day, the 4th of July, Groundhog Day – there is no one event that allows different countries to compete in the spirit of a global community.
A Beer Olympics would allow, uh, “athletes” from different countries to compete on a level playing ground. If there was such a thing as Beer Olympics, then some of the events might be as follows.
History of the Beer Olympics
There are some groups out there that have formed their own Beer Olympics events—we’re not talking about Super Bowl parties here.
However, there has been no Beer Olympics that has been hosted on an international level. Such an event needs to be sanctioned and planned. Hosting cities need a chance to prepare and competitors need to be chosen through a series of semifinals in each country.
Furthermore, there is the question of which beer to use. Would a lager, stout or ale be most appropriate? Which brand?
Probably, it would be best to spread the love and let the hosting city choose the beer and brand to host the event. For instance, if Milwaukee, Wisconsin was hosting the Beer Olympics, then they could choose Pabst Blue Ribbon or Milwaukee’s Best.
Or, if a city in the Netherlands was hosting the Beer Olympics, then they could go with Heineken. Of course, all decisions would require finalization by the Beer Olympics Committee.
Of course Beer Pong would have to be in the Beer Olympics. There is already a World Series of Beer Pong (WSOBP). It celebrated its eighth year running in 2013 with a tournament in Las Vegas, so the only natural progression would be for it to be in the Beer Olympics.
If you have never played Beer Pong or heard of it because you live under a rock, then here it is. Beer Pong is played by two opposing teams at opposite ends of a long table and the WSOBP has standardized all the measurements, using BPONG equipment.
Then, 10 plastic cups of beer are arranged in a triangle at each end of the table – each team has 10 cups of beer. The formation looks like a racked set of pool balls when viewed from above.
In the original game, teams tried to bounce a ping pong ball into the opposing team’s cups. If the ping pong ball landed in the cup, then the beer had to be downed at once by a member of the opposing team. In the SWOBP they have resorted to a points system to head off nasty lawsuits concerning alcohol poisoning and other liability issues.
Beer Pong is basically a game that helps the participants to have fun and get really wasted. In the Beer Olympics, teams should have to drink the beer. The alcohol’s effects on vision, balance, and hand-to-eye coordination would make the matches much more interesting.
There is already baseball in the regular Olympics, so Beer Baseball must be in the Beer Olympics. It’s a pretty simple game to understand.
Beer Baseball is just like regular baseball, except with beer, duh. When a batter is up to bat, he or she must drink a beer at some point. Either prior to squaring up at the plate or after hitting the ball—the Beer Olympic Committee can iron out the exact rules and details.
The batter doesn’t just sip a beer, either. We’re talking a full-on chug here. Then the player has to get around the bases, just like in the regular game.
This method of adding beer to a sports game can likely be adapted to many other Olympic events, such as tennis, hurdles, and skiing. The only areas that should maybe be left out are swimming and shooting.
Putting four drunk people in the pool to swim a 1600-meter relay may sound like a good idea on paper, but having a drowning at the Beer Olympics will be a real downer on the whole event. The same goes if one of the shooters or archery competitors accidently — or so they’ll claim — shoots someone else.
Gymnastics is another area where some of the events will have to be left out. Most of the competitors are 13 year-old girls anyway, and they already fall off equipment and break bones—stone sober—as it is.
However, the mat routine would be hilarious to have in the Beer Olympics. Or the one where they dance around with the ribbon on a stick. The participants would have to chug a few beers, and then do a dance routine off the tops of their heads.
So the lesson here is you don’t have to be 6 Foot Tall, an athletic build, be good at sports or even have an IQ above 70 to have a chance at entering the Olympics. We Love America.