Can You Lose Your Manhood by Drinking Light Beer?

Depending on where you come from there are several different ways to measure when a boy becomes a man. For hunters, it’s the first kill and the subsequent consumption of some raw flesh or blood. For skiers, it’s the first run down Suicide Mountain. And for consumers of alcoholic beverages, it’s the first high-powered beer from Europe.

A very popular question is this: Once you’ve had your first high-powered, head-spinning brew from Europe can you lose your manhood by drinking light beer? If so, can we blame the likes of Miller and Coors for all of the metrosexual men drinking a light beer on Saturday night and a Swiss Mocha Latte the next morning?

What is the Definition of a Light Beer?

By definition, a light beer is one that has fewer calories than a standard beer. Those who consume the product seem to be a lot like those who drink diet cola in a misguided attempt to lose weight through their beverage choices. But here’s the problem: The majority of calories in beer come from its alcohol content.

In order to make light beer as light as possible, breweries tend to do two things: use substitutes like rice in their mash and water down the final product. This reduces the calories without reducing alcohol content. But, in doing so, the flavor and body are also reduced.

This is where the question of manhood comes in. A beer with less flavor and body seems to have less power as well. And for men less power means being–shall we say–less manly.

What is the Definition of Manhood?

The dictionary definition of manhood indicates it is “the state or time of being a man.” That’s less than helpful, right? So, in order to define what it means we have to look at the manly things that real men in America do. For example, real men never wear a pink shirt and white pants on the same day, unless they’re playing golf at Augusta. Even at that they’d better be hitting the ball five miles off the tee.

To a real man “quiche” is a foreign word, Isuzu doesn’t make pickup trucks, and “watching the kids” simply means making sure they’re alive at the end of the day. So, are all of these things compatible with light beer?

Before we can answer that question we must look at a couple of other things. Keep in mind that we assume we’re talking about a male-type person who at one time demonstrated manly qualities before endeavoring to go down the light beer road. Not every man does this to begin with. Yes, you in the tweed cardigan and boat shoes.

What are Some Reasons for Drinking Light Beer?

Here’s a science question for you: Do calories have flavor? If you know the answer to that question, you know there are only two reasons why a man would drink light beer. First is a wife or significant other nagging him that if he “has to drink beer, light beer is better, because blah, blah, blah.”

Second is the possibility he’s actually concerned about his weight. If this is the case, revert back to the first reason. If a real man were truly concerned about his weight, light beer would not be the solution; bigger pants and sturdier shoes would.

On the outside chance a man is concerned about his weight and has no significant other, we have an entirely different scenario. This might be one instance where it’s okay to drink light beer without losing one’s manhood. Why? Because he’s hunting for a significant other, that’s why!

A desperate guy will do just about anything to find the girl of his dreams, even if that means drinking a watered-down light beer that tastes slightly like a combination of stale iced tea and fresh toilet water. He’ll talk about how much he loves Justin Bieber’s music, how that one woman on “Real Housewives” is a total #@&$! or how he’s trying to improve both his mind and body.

Just for the record, this kind of guy will revert back to his powerhouse lager once he has that ring on her finger. To do otherwise would be to forsake all of manhood in the name of husband-hood.

What’s the Verdict on Light Beer?

Upon further review, it appears to be entirely possible for a man to lose his manhood by consuming light beer. One light beer now and again probably won’t do it, but a steady diet of such a feminine alcoholic beverage may leave him wanting for chocolate truffles, scented candles and Jane Austen movies.

Meanwhile, the rest of us will continue to stare malt liquor dead in the face and dare it to make our day. We’ll keep looking for the most potent brew available; one that will cause us to scale the Rocky Mountains, drive a train through lower Manhattan, or find some other way of expressing our manliness.

Of course, light beer is obviously an option if that’s what you prefer. There are lots of light beers out there for any number of tastes. Just remember to find yourself a good dark beer from Germany when you’re ready to rejoin the rest of us in Manville.