Have you ever found yourself looking out over the rooftops of your city-wondering what it would be like to be a superhero? We can imagine it would be a lot of fun and adventure; at least, until you missed the 10th consecutive Friday night gathering at your local pub because the ne’er-do-wells of the city’s more seedy side started stirring up trouble.
Some Super Hero’s might even consider carrying a flask full of their favorite beverage as they hit the streets to fight crime. Then again, wouldn’t that constitute drinking alone? Obviously not if you offered some to the crook just before you knocked him out with an over-sized cartoon bubble containing hip, 1970’s action phrases.
So, what kind of flask would your favorite superheroes use?
There’s a lot of debate over whether Batman was a true superhero or not, given the fact that he had no super powers. All he did was invent nifty little gadgets he could hook to his utility belt; gadgets that would get him out of the worst trouble just in the nick of time. Indeed, it seems Batman is the perfect candidate for a superhero flask. He could show up at one of Commissioner Gordon’s posh soirées, pass around the brandy, then duck into the night and squeal the tires of the Batmobile after doing a lawn job at city hall!
It would have to be stainless steel to match the rest of his utility belt accessories. And, of course, it would need a special homing beacon with a “bat light” he could activate, just in case he lost it in the old Bat Cave. Batman’s flask would have to be fitted with a child safety cap as well. After all, the Boy Wonder is an underage kid who hangs out with a single, wealthy, adult male who spends his time roaming around in tights and a cape. Robin really ought be home with his mama!
A flask for Superman is going to be a bit of a problem. Why? Because he’s got nowhere to conceal it. I mean, Batman has his utility belt, Wonder Woman has her bustier, but Superman is running around in a skintight bodysuit and a pair of red panties. Where would he hide a flask?
The solution may in the oh-so-popular beer belly flask. If you haven’t heard of the beer belly flask, it’s just a very large vinyl membrane you wear under your clothing that makes you look like you have a beer belly. Inside you can probably carry a gallon of your favorite adult beverage while sneaking a nip via the built-in straw.
Superman could do much the same thing with the “massive pecs” flask. He would just have to be careful when the bad guys are pouring on the lead.
What does every billionaire industrialist captured by terrorists need? A futuristic, titanium bodysuit with a lot of cool features that will enable him to fight crime. Oh yeah, he’ll also need a flask to carry his very expensive cognac during the long hours of crime fighting. For Iron Man, we envision a very industrial-looking flask in two-tone gold and red, with plenty of sharp lines and a distinctive profile. And it absolutely has to make really cool electronic noises when he opens and closes it.
Should the Hulk really be drinking? I mean, seriously. I don’t suppose he would be the “happy drunk”, if you know what we mean. Perhaps Dr. Bannister would do better with those fruit juice drinks in the little foil containers. Then again, trying to open one of those stupid containers could send the good doctor over the big green cliff. Maybe he should just stick with milk.
There’s only one kind of flask for Captain America: a genuine Jack Daniels flask from the company that embodies American liquor production. And it needs to be filled with genuine, 80 proof, black label Tennessee whiskey straight from the J.D. distillery. After all, Captain America ain’t no refined city boy, sipping on sherry while wearing a smoking jacket.
As for the size of Captain America’s flask: the bigger, the better– as long as he can mount it on the inside of his shield to avoid damage during those big fights. A shot of old Tennessee whiskey might do the Captain some good in the heat of the battle.
After reading this, you might be wondering whether or not superheroes actually drink. We don’t know for sure, but we can tell you this: Anybody who runs around in brightly-colored tights and goes up against murderers, thieves, and other such villains had better be drinking. Otherwise, we’ve got more serious issues to worry about!