Top 10 Reasons Never to Drink at Work

It’s 3:00 p.m. at the office, and you’ve been having one of those days. As you head to the lunch room to see what vending machine snack will help you get through the remaining two hours of work, you find yourself thinking about the delicious bottle of Merlot waiting for you at home. Just the thought of a glass of wine perks you up and then–it hits you! They should allow drinking at work; think how happy people would be!

Keep thinking, Brainiac. There are a million different reasons that drinking at work would never work. Can’t think of one? Let us help you out with this list of the top 10 reasons not to drink at work.

#10: Mr. Touchy-Feely

Every office has one and hopefully it’s not you. That guy who’s just a little too familiar with everybody. By familiar, we mean physically. Rubbing the girls’ backs, giving the guys hugs, offering to give massages. Face it–he creeps you out when he’s sober. Now imagine him after two beers. ‘Nuff said, right?

#9: It’s the Opposite of Coffee

There’s a reason that the Starbucks in the lobby does a brisk business all day long, and that so many colleagues drink Red Bull at lunch. You need to stay awake and attentive at work. Alcohol is NOT a stimulant.

#8: Loose Lips Sink Careers

For the same reason that you shouldn’t have more than one drink with the boss at a work-related dinner, you wouldn’t want to be indulging frequently in the office. Too often, we need to keep a guard up at work; what the British would call a “stiff upper lip.” Alcohol loosens that lip; often with disastrous results.

#7: Client Reports Don’t Make Good Coasters

Bloody Mary splatter on the company financials and wine bottle stains on the client’s White Paper don’t lend themselves to easy explanations. Even worse, you thought you were grabbing scrap paper to blot up the beer spill on the rug, only to discover they were the résumés for the applicants for the open position as your administrative assistant that Human Resources had forwarded to you for your input.

#6: Planned Partying

If you’re used to gathering around the water cooler for a few minutes several times a day, it’s not much of a stretch to planning drinking sessions in your cubicle. Before long, you’re keeping a portable bar set in your top drawer and asking why the supply cabinet doesn’t have any bottle openers. Perhaps that string of jalapeno-pepper lights wrapped around the file cabinet is just a tad too much.

#5: The Boss’s Daughter

You’ve been infatuated with her for three years, but never had the guts to say more than a shy “hi.” Now, thanks to the new, alcohol-induced sense of confidence you possess, you plan to ask her out. Unfortunately, she’s not the one wearing the beer goggles, and neither is your boss.

#4: Productivity Goes Down, Way Down

Between the more-frequent trips to the bathroom and the increased number of small naps you take in front of your computer screen, your productivity seems to have fallen off. However, you just can’t seem to pinpoint the reason. Additionally, you thought that webinar yesterday with the new client in Japan went exceedingly well, but now they’ve asked your boss to make sure that you’re no longer in charge of their account.

#3: The Lunch Room Fridge Was Already Overcrowded

Ever since the economy tanked, you and your colleagues have been heeding the wisdom of Warren Buffett and Dave Ramsey and brown-bagging lunch four days a week. This is great for the wallet, but bad for the company fridge. Add to the sandwich containers and salad bowls and half-eaten lunches from last week a bunch of chilling vodka and rum bottles, and you’ve got a refrigerator liable to explode on the next person who opens the door.

#2: A Rising Electric Bill

The landlord has met with your boss over the increased amount of electricity that the office seems to be using, and is threatening to raise the company’s rent as soon as the new bill comes due. Now he’s keeping an eagle eye on the thermostat and you’ve taken to leaving an Irish sweater at the office for the coldest days. You know it’s not the heat that’s pulling most of the power though–it’s the dueling margarita blenders going at lunchtime: What you’ve taken to calling the Happiest Hour of the day.

#1: Body Shots Are Not Considered an Appropriate Team-Building Activity

In the whole vein of “give an inch, and they’ll take a foot” and “in for a penny, in for a pound,” there’s no doubt that allowing employees to drink at work is going to backfire in so many ways. Our #1 reason not to drink at work says it all. Just say NO and keep alcohol far, far away from the workplace.