You Might Be a Redneck If …

What exactly makes somebody a redneck? The criteria vary depending upon who you ask and where you are when you’re doing the asking. Often, you can ask a redneck the definition of a redneck, and they’ll never suspect that they are one.

One sure method of figuring out if a person is a redneck is to take a look at their drink of choice. For instance, anybody who drinks Jim Beam, Maker’s Mark, Wild Turkey, or another brand of bourbon is certainly a redneck. If you’ve got some type of semi-legal moonshine still set up in the barn or the shed, you’re also a redneck. But in addition to these, you might be a redneck if you do any of this with alcohol.

Move Over, Listerine

Forget the mouthwash–it’s got alcohol in it anyway, so why not skip the middleman? If you use the aforementioned Kentucky bourbon to rinse out your mouth every morning, you’re probably a redneck. If you needn’t have bothered, because bourbon was the last thing you drank before you passed out to sleep last night and you still smell like it, you definitely are one.

Add It to Your Cooking

There’s nothing unusual about pouring a dash or two of alcohol into the contents of the crock pot. After all, Julia Child’s famous coq au vin and beef bourguignon recipes both rely heavily on a nice dose of wine. However, let’s take a closer look at the contents of the pot–if you’re relying on alcohol to nullify the gamey taste of squirrel, rabbit, raccoon, or possum, you’re well on your way to earning your redneck credentials.

Raw Eggs and Mayonnaise

Ever wonder who was the first person to determine that eating a raw egg was something one should not only be proud of, but also view as an act of bravery? We might better understand the feeling of pride if you not only ate the raw egg, but also climbed up a sheer cliff face with your bare hands to reach the nest. Still, we’ve seen enough drinking stunts that involved downing at least one raw egg in a single gulp, along with a shot or two, or ten, of hard liquor. To make it a true redneck dare, be sure to add a cup of mayonnaise to the list of things to be swallowed.

Cheaper than $3.79 a Gallon

We’ve heard stories of the possibilities, but have never wanted to take the chance of ruining the Toyota or Honda that we haven’t fully paid off yet. However, you’ve got no such qualms with your fully owned 1985 Ford pickup truck with the dented right-side rear fender. So the night the gas tank was running low, all of the stations were already closed, and you were worried you’d get home so late that the missus would take the shotgun to you, you poured the rest of the bottle of cheap whiskey into the tank and got home just fine. Hey–it doesn’t prove you’re smart; it just proves you’re a redneck.

Is It Chemical or Mechanical?

There’s a reason that you don’t find many mechanical bulls in city bars up North; unless, of course, it’s a country-themed bar complete with “Hosses” and “Heifers” on the bathroom signs. You just might be a redneck or an aspiring redneck if you even risk your neck on one of those things. It goes without saying that there will be much drinking of alcohol before you even think of making the attempt.

Fooling with the Cat or Dog

If we had a dollar for every story we heard about some yahoo filling their cat or dog’s water bowl with beer instead, well, we’d probably only have ten total dollars. But still, what is it with people who think this is hysterical? No self-respecting cat will touch the stuff, but we’ve sure heard about a lot of dogs who will not only drink the beer, but who will also come begging for more!

You’ll laugh at the dog and make him the focal point of some future party, showing off how much he can drink before he passes out. You’ll also likely laugh at what you call our “Northern sensibilities” when we point out how dangerous it is for any of your animals to be drinking alcohol. You might love your dog, but you’re still a redneck.

Watering the Plants

Along the same lines, you’re a redneck if you water your plants with the last drops you find in leftover beer and bourbon bottles. Heck–who are we kidding? Rednecks don’t have plants to water. At least, no indoor plants. The only watering you do of plants is when you’re drinking around the campfire and your bladder needs emptying. Then, those nearby bushes and trees are going to get plenty of “watering.”

If you see yourself in one or two of these descriptions, you may merely have redneck tendencies. However, if you’ve been shaking your head up and down and smiling in agreement at three or more of our points, then congratulations! You’ve got bonafide redneck written all over you.